I found this in my drafts today. 2019 marked the start to a turbulent and lonely struggle with my emotions that I am still learning how to process. Reading this stirred up a tender fondness for my younger self, but also consolation to know that with time and perseverance, things do get better… I had to google what Xenon Blue was though – been a while since I last dabbed with pastels!

[Last edited 2019/06/22 at 17:49]

Dear everyone and anyone:

I am typing this because I don’t want to worry about how my handwriting looks.

It is not as loopy like it was before. Harsher. Scratches across the page. Jumbled up and confused like me. 

I don’t know where to begin. Emotions are a finicky thing. At school, we never learned how to arrange our emotions. I suppose that’s because there is no way to classify feelings. There is sad, happy, angry, confused but all I feel is color. Today I am Xenon Blue.

Sometimes when I try to reflect and feel, too many thoughts and emotions flood in I can’t help but slam the door shut and retreat and curl up into a ball into the back of my mind. The silence is lonely, yet surprisingly comforting.

The best way I can explain this would be drifting through the vast emptiness of your own mind. On the outside I am expressionless but in reality I’m just letting my mind rest. 

I like it there because it is just me and my silence. No fluctuations in emotions, no ticking deadlines or questioning stares. Silence does not judge, it simply exists. When I feel brave enough I confront this new me I am shifting into. I try to make peace with the new me, yet I hate how I can’t sleep properly and I hate being grumpy and I hate this unbothered expression I’ve adopted but most of all I hate that it’s getting harder and harder to choose the outside over silence.

The truth is I don’t know why I’m not me anymore. I want to appear fun and spontaneous again without worrying and I want to be over-the-moon excited for even the smallest things but it is so hard. It is so so hard to project my feelings externally. And nobody understands because I cannot explain why. They look me in the eye and ask me if I’m okay so I tell them Yes, because I really am.  

I know no one fully believes me but as life moves on, so do they. I don’t blame them.

I hate this change because people expect the old you, except your expectations aren’t expectations but misconceptions.  I was that quirky girl waving at everyone in the hallways with the mischevious spark in her eyes, hopping from table to table showering compliments and cheering everyone on. And I will be again, once I figure out what’s wrong with me. Or not. Perhaps this is the way I will stay. Be that as it may, something unexplainable has taken place and for the time being, it is draining. How can I radiate energy when I need it myself?

To whoever is reading this, I am so truly happy for you. We’ve been in this together since day one and I really couldn’t be more excited! Here are more exclamation marks:

!!!!

I promise!!! 

I love love love love you and your smile and the way you laugh the way your eyes light up when you’re lost high up in your hopes and dreams and I hate to disappoint you again and again. I hate seeing the confusion, the dejection in your eyes when I don’t give you the reaction you deserve. 

I need you to understand that it’s still me in there! Just know that deep down inside I’m still rooting for you and I always will be 🙂

Honestly, part of me wants to believe it’s the exam stress and my lack of sleep. Dad says it’s puberty. Rewiring of the brain. ‘Cept it isn’t fair for me but most of all it is not fair for you. I don’t want you to see me like this.  I don’t want to be like this because this is not me and I am not who I am. 

Is it bad to fear change?

Love,

Heather.